My house is empty

Bored, weepy, tired, discombobulated. Should I post something? DH says...dooo eet. It will be cathartic. I don't know. Had a hysterectomy two weeks ago. Took everything. No hormone treatment for now. Oh well. Didn't need that stuff anyway. Until I started crying. Over everything. Am healing well but still not able to go anywhere and even doing dishes wiped me out yesterday. And my dog died Wednesday. He was fine at 9 and at 11 was acting tired and died being carried into the vet's office by my son and husband. I am still looking for him. The house is too quiet w/o the jangle of his collar and now I can't tell when someone comes in the door. I hate getting out of bed because he's not there for the go outside and then do the biscuit treat trick. 4 o'clock rolls around and I stand there sniffling because the dog bowl doesn't need to be filled. I can barely stand to go out the back door because he's not there brushing past me to go outside and clicking across the deck. He's not there at my feet tangled around my computer chair and not lying watch next to my daughter's bed when I check on her. I can't even talk to people eon the phone because I cry too much. If I don't get out of this house I may go crazy but I can't drive, walk far or even put on regular clothes hardly. It's just quiet. Even with one kid blaring the radio and the other on the Wii. I miss my dog terribly.

Update....a bit dated

Overwhelming..maddening..exhausting...satisfying...exhilarating...confusing...lost...found....that describes my first couple of months teaching Advanced Placement World History. I really wish that I had come back here and had been documenting what a journey it has been. I am not sure if there is anything that could have prepared me for the "I've dropped the reins..the horse is tearing towards the cliff...whoa...omg...omg....here we go...ahhhhh" ride that it has been. It is a totally different beast from regular classes but don't let anyone tell you that you're lucky to have these classes because they're easier. Oh no no. Now yes, I get the kids going with a prompt, lesson or project and it is amazing to watch them brainstorm, create and just take things to a whole new level. It's humbling at times how smart, hardworking and creative these kids can be. But there are time when I do not feel as smart, hardworking and creative as them and I am sometimes forced to bluff because I am relearning and sometimes learning this stuff along with them. I really should learn to play poker again(well...if I had time) because I can bluff with the best. I'm even a good bullshitter too. I'm not proud. One silly thing but major to me at the time that threw me for a loop and blew up my confidence like a first year teacher is the fact that in my district, kids can drop your class after the first six weeks. So...just about the time I learned my students' names and got some sort of routine down...suddenly there are empty desks and the whole dynamics change. Now, some of the kids who dropped..they were really way over their heads and I kinda breathed a sigh of relief. But I gotta say, my feelings were a bit hurt by the kiddos who were solid B students heading toward A's who dropped also. I was bereft. The 11th grade AP US history tried to convince me that it was for the best but I felt rejected. Until one day, I was moping around after another kid dropped and one of my students said, "Ms. 100 Farmers, don't worry about it. It's not about you. They like you. We like your class. They just didn't want to do the readings." And suddenly, I may not have had both reins in my hands but at least I was veering away from the cliff. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not wholeheartedly looking forward to winter break, but the whole history "geek" feeling of really getting into the hows and the whys is making dormant brain cells come to life. I may not be riding on an educational thoroughbred at the moment but this cattle pony seems to be veering well out of the ditches.

(Not so) Floating trip

Kinda amusing that my last post talks about that which doesn't kill you because I tried my darnedest to do it to myself recently. To make a long story short..when floating down the Frio river and hitting rapids:
1. Let go of inner tube next to you if it does indeed pull you under the water and flips you over
2. Instead of worrying about your expensive sunglasses(which you should not have worn in the first place)..head for surface of water
3. Do not try to surface under large group of inner tubers
4. Do not panic and attempt to breathe water
5. Even though you are in the water..floundering like a fish does NOT help
6. Even if your bathing suit bottoms are around your ankles....mouth to mouth is more embarrassing...head to land quickly
7. Help from strangers is always life affirming even if they are first graders
8. A float trip can still be quite enjoyable once you are finished belching up river water

June stands for adjusting

That which doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Meh. If stronger means ulcers and a generally pissy attitude. No seriously, have weathered another year of teaching and if I'm technically not stronger, my roots are dug in deeper at least. I was blessed with students that I truly enjoyed and an inspiring student teacher the second semester. Even with the continual torrential bursts of unprofessional behavior from my supposed "coteacher", I can still say it was a year of growth. Now, knowing that my"coteacher" has a new assignment next year and that I get to teach the AP classes, also tends to temper whatever residual pissiness I may have from our last couple of classes together. I have achieved my first summer sunburn and even though I accidentally nearly drowned myself in the Comal River on Monday, it's all good. We are"adjusting" here. I'll leave it at that.

My Mantra for Winter

Memorial?

I don't have a tv nor receive a newspaper anymore. I know that at times I am probably missing some important news but I've found it quite liberating w/o the constant harangue of sensationalism and hyped mediocre news. I was horrified though on our first day back from break to get news that one of our juniors died a block from school in a car wreck the Tuesday before Christmas. He hadn't been one of my students but I knew him and would have definitely attended the memorial service. Nothing was communicated through email or our phone call tree that we use. I had to be told by one of my usual morning visiting student and didn't receive any news from administration until it was mentioned in our weekly email bulletin along with news about our usual faculty meeting on Thursday. No moment of silence, no mention of memorial..nothing except for "Counselors are available for students having difficulty with grief." I know that it's the week before semester exams and that students can be unduly influenced emotionally by things around them but it just seems so cold and uncaring for the day to pass w/o an acknowledgement of the loss of this young man. I don't know exactly what the school could have done but this impersonal action is one thing about my large "recognized" suburban school that I find "unacceptable".

My first Literary Love

I realized that I probably needed a followup to my previous post. This is the first book that I absolutely treasured. I wonder sometimes if my animal rescue tendencies may spring from my love of this book. Now the first book I remember reading on my own was Alice in Wonderland at the age of four. No, I was no prodigy. Just bored. But it certainly started something. This was way before cable and the only cartoons were over by 8 in the morning and only on in the afternoon from 3-5. In our small small town, there were very few kids my age and my brother was mostly a squalling annoyance at that point. I was blessed by a grandmother who compulsively bought books for her grandchildren, especially Newberry Classics. Oh, and lots of ice cream too. FTW. My youngest and I spent a wonderful Friday night at the bookstore last week. I couldn't think of a better way to spend it. We also got ice cream of course :)

Read It Day

Today, in every single class, we get to spend the first 20 minutes reading. Knowing my kids, I grabbed a mighty armload of books this morning from the library for those students who were inevitably going to walk in w/o a book despite all the announcements and fanfare. I also found a gem for myself there. Ironically, it is about a discovered book. Here is an excerpt:

Once, in my Father's bookshop, I heard a regular customer say that few things leave a deeper mark on a reader than the first book that finds its way into his heart. Those first images, the echo of words we think we have left behind, accompany us throughout our lives and sculpt a place in our memory to which, sooner or later-no matter how many books we have read, how many worlds we discover, or how much we learn or forget-we will return.

Zen and the Art of Powerpoint Maintenance

I was so proud of my PowerPoint presentation. It was visually stunning. I had Indian Buddhas, Chinese Buddhas, Yin and Yang symbols overflowing into pictures of golden temples and crouching Chinese dragons. I was precise in my language, organized with my notes and primed to teach my eager students. "Bwahaha"cackled Murphy the God of Perversity in his divine jealousy towards the attention I was paying towards other beliefs. It flopped. If there had been tomatoes, I would have looked like I'd had a V-8 poured over my head. It wasn't ugly. They were awake and staring at me but no brain cells were involved in synaptic processes. It was like Zombieland in my classroom. Without the cannibalism of course. So, I punted. That lovely powerpoint went back to the dens of my flashdrive and we read and highlighted in my other classes. Or as I paraphrased: "we collected information". But today, a teacher's dream. We took that information and we collaboratively synthesized the data and we drew conclusion and we restated the information. In other words, we worked in groups, we took quotes and decided which philosophical school they belonged to and we rewrote it in our own words. It was awesome. Absolutely a great teaching moment where I just facilitated and nudged them along while they taught it to each other. Was all the time I spent on the PowerPoint a waste of energy? No. It helped me to refresh my own knowledge of the subject and more importantly, it put me back on the "Dao" or "the Way" that I know kids can learn better. It's all good.

The Tao of Pooh

Everything has its own place and function. That applies to people, although many don't seem to realize it, stuck as they are in the wrong job, the wrong marriage, or the wrong house. When you know and respect your Inner Nature, you know where you belong. You also know where you don't belong.
Benjamin Hoff

"The Tao of Pooh"

A Teachable Moment

Today I was lecturing about the Aryan Invasions into India and the rise of Hinduism. Students always get into invasions and when you throw in religion too, they always seem to pay a little more attention. Most of our focus was on my shoes however. Because, according to one of my favorite students known here as J, "Ms. 100 Farmers could have conquered India with those shoes that she is wearing". Somehow the use of iron in superior weaponry and comfortable utilitarian black flats are just what you need for empire building. So, I went with it and I showed them the conquering path that my shoes and I followed through the Hindu Kush mountains and my shoes' elitist influence in establishing the caste system in India. It did get a little surreal when my shoes' bad actions in life caused such bad karma that they were reincarnated as cheap flip flops. This may have been the funniest lesson I've ever presented. Hopefully they will actually remember all of the facts and not just about footwear reincarnation.

Having a Window Changes Everything

Sometimes

Sometimes there are things in our life
that aren't meant to stay.
Sometimes change may not be what we want.
Sometimes change is what we really need.
And sometimes saying goodbye
is the hardest thing you think you'll ever have to do,
but sometimes it's saying 'hello again' that breaks you down
and makes you the most vulnerable person you'll ever know.
Sometimes change is too much to bear,
but most of the time change
is the only thing saving your life.

First Day

First official day back and am horribly frustrated because I want to jump in and get everything ready but my body is not letting me. My stupid surgery site keeps reminding that all is not quite well but only after I've done something like climbed up on a desk or pushed file cabinets down the hallway. It's nice being downstairs with the rest of the History department but am already missing my buddy upstairs. Suddenly though, I am being patted on the back and a part of the department after two years of being hid up in the attic with the rest of the 9th grade teachers. I'm a bit worried about the teacher that switched teaching assignments with me because she seems a bit freaked out and lost. I'm kinda stuck in an awkward position because I want to help her as much as possible but probably need to hint more to her that I'm teaching a new subject also. I just don't have time to spend every moment with her when I'm trying to get ready myself. I am throwing every piece of paper, powerpoint and book that I have at her. Trying to spin it positively though and thinking of it as good training for the student teacher who shows up in two weeks. One definite negative note: am assigned the icky co-teacher from last year again. Methinks she is not too pleased either. One final positive note: My new room is long enough that I can put a desk for her at the other end from mine.

Cat Prejudice

There are silent victims in our house. Some are miniature, some are the size of baby dolls, one is even big enough to cause some serious damage if chucked at a window but all are daily targets of my cats. My cats hate My Little Pony. Pink, Purple, Sparkly Rainbow colored, bubble gum scented....oddly enough, they don't discriminate in their prejudice against these poor ponies. They are all attacked, tossed and mauled on a regular basis. These are hard plastic toys but are still dragged and kicked around the room more than a masochistic catnip mouse could ever dream of. I don't understand it and find it a tad bit disturbing. They're such pretty little ponies. What did they ever do to incur such cat disdain?

July

And What Cannot be Mended Must be Borne."

The First Weekend of the Summer

The moon is beautiful tonight. The lightning bugs are doing their darndest to outshine it. Have spent most of the day sleeping like the dead which is obviously something I needed. Made some gut wrenching decisions the past couple of days and living with the consequences is like walking in a fog. Am either feeling relieved, happy, sad or sick to my stomach at various intervals. I think God has a way of sending us messages and I've often felt that touch at various times of crisis in my life. Today we were driving down the road and were horrified to see an elderly woman laying on the ground next to her car. She was calling for her husband who had gone into their house. Both of them lived in assisted living and had come to get their mail. He was barely able to get around himself and there was no way he would have been able to help her get up from the ground. We basically had to almost carry her back to the car as she unable to support herself. Come to find out after introductions, that he knew my in-laws from the VFW Hall but seemed unaware that my father-in-law had passed away three years ago today. We were there at the right time at that moment. It feels like I was supposed to get something from the incident. Either some message about couples or helping each other but I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm trying God..I'm trying.

Thursday's Thirteen

Thirteen Things I'd Enjoy on a Trip back in Time

1. ...running through the grass barefoot in the light of the front porch with my cousins. Back before the invasion of mosquitos we have now, we only had to worry about chiggers and the occasional toy we couldn't see in the dark.

2....taking a trip to town to go to the bank with my Mama Pat. The tellers always called her Miss Pat and gave out those little square boxes of chiclets. A trip to the bank also meant we were picking up Granny's Chicken (no, not Grandy's) and were gonna snack on hot rolls on the way home.

3...I'd corral my grandmother in her kitchen and tickle her until she gave me her Sugar Cookie recipe. She had the recipe in her head and never wrote it down. I loved those cookies.

4...Halloween in our neighborhood in North Dallas in the late 70's. Herds of kids running everywhere...makeshift haunted houses at least four to each block...no worries about the bogeyman then.

5....drive around in my dad's silver blue 1966 Mustang. Man, I wish I had that car.

6....roller skating at the Roller Rink on a Saturday night listening to Cheap Trick, The Knack, Queen and ELO....everyone fast skate..lol...hitting the ground was a lot less scarier back then.

7....Make a pot of percolated coffee for my Daddo early in the morning. Sit on the back porch with him and listen to the birds.
8...relive the excitement of the looking through the Sear's Christmas Toy Catalog.
9....Eating a real Banana Bike....Laffy Taffy's just aren't the same.

10...Go to the old Six Flag's which still had six separate historical themes and animal trashcans that roared when you put trash into them. Don't miss the scary huge slide with the burlap sacks though.

11....Go back and visit my 4th period from my first year of teaching. Loved that class, loved those kids. Of course, they're all 25-27 now. Will always be junior high students in my mind.

12....Going to the Blue Ridge Rodeo. Run around with herds of kids, scarf down popcorn and dance around the cars when the band played later.

13....A week at Lake Texoma on our old boat with my Mom, Dad and even brother and sister. I would love to be able to spend a week like that out on the islands with no worries..just fishing and reading.

Bare Walls

I have to admit that I teacher-geek out every new school year. I like decorating my classroom. I enjoy putting up bulletin boards. I spend an inordinate amount of time lining my door and whiteboards with decorative borders. I have kitschy stuffed animals and large cardboard monkeys that serve no purpose but to amuse the kids. My room tends to look more like an elementary classroom than a traditional high school one but it makes me happy and the kids like it so its not gonna change. Today though, I walked into a room with bare walls and felt a flash a joy. For once in 12 years of teaching, I will have my room ready to go before the last day of school. I will not be the last teacher on the 3rd floor still sorting papers after everyone has left. Those empty walls echo the success of a year of education and the promise of a summer to come. I never thought a empty wall full of mangled staples could be so beautiful.

Twenty Years Ago

Twenty years ago today I packed up my Mustang and drove to Austin in a split decision to put a kibosh on the path I was traveling and to at least try something new. I had dropped out of college a year and a half before and had been working as an Assistant Mgr at a fast food restaurant owned by a very evil man where I was working 60+ hours a week shifts. I looked like a greasy, curly haired zombie and was in a pretty unhealthy relationship with an older guy. When my best friend offered her spare room during her last summer semester at UT, it wasn't that hard of a decision to drop my keys off at work, blow a quick sayonara kiss at the old dude and start throwing stuff in the trunk. It's hard to believe that it's been twenty years and also funny to think what might have been if I had not moved. You see, there was this guy that my friend had written about several times in her letters to me. He was in her photography classes and lived in the apartment behind hers and she claimed that he was probably the smartest guy that she had ever met. She had failed to mention how cute he was though. The first thing we did when I got into town was to buy groceries. Coming back from the parking garage with groceries that first hour in Austin, I met that smart guy who would become my husband four years later. Honestly, if you can't call it love at first sight then it really was an instantaneous flash of WOW. Within a week and several bowls of my tasty guacamole we were in a tempestuous romance that survived a year and a half of long distance romance when I went to North Texas and he finished up at UT. Luckily, this was before widespread email and I was wooed by the black and white postcard photos that he sent me constantly. I'm sure my mailman must have enjoyed reading them. I still have every single one stored in the picnic basket that we used to use. Now twenty years, six cats, two dogs and two kids later, I have a lot of "used to" memories. Things aren't so great right now. Too many "used to" memories turned into "should have" things that we've missed out on and it's hard to determine which path we're going to be heading down now. But honestly, I wouldn't have changed most of the past twenty years and can't possible put a value on our kids and even our cats. He is still the smartest person I know even though he's turned into the absent-minded professor and I still get a flash of "wow" when he's at sweetest and especially goofiest. I don't know where the next twenty years will find us but I can't pass up the chance to look at that paths that I could have taken taken and celebrate that I took the right one.