Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Not quiet because I want to be

Social anxiety disorder is a persistent fear of one or more situations in which the person is exposed to possible scrutiny by others and fears that he or she may do something or act in a way that will be humiliating or embarrassing. It exceeds normal "shyness" as it leads to excessive social avoidance and substantial social or occupational impairment. Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache.
Hi, My name is 100 Farmers and I am scared of people. We had a party today for our youngest 100 Farmers and I am drained of all energy and thought. I love planning parties and the whole creative process but the actual thought of interaction ruins the days leading up to the actual event. I haven't slept and I've had acid reflux come up the back of my nose. I come by this honestly: my father actually gets physically ill before extended family events and my mother is just certifiable. The funny thing is that it doesn't happen like this in the classroom. I might feel nervous the night before school starts but being in front to those kids has never been an issue. I have accidently spit on the overhead during a presentation, gone flying across the room after tripping, fallen on my rear out of my chair and even belched. I just laugh with the class and the larnin' goes on. As I get older though, I am finding that my nervousness is actually getting worse. I tried Lexapro for a while but really hate medicating myself. I am afraid that I might be limiting my kids from what constitutes normal interaction. We never had people over to the house growing up and absolutely never went anywhere as a family. Well, camping alone as a family on an island at Texoma doesn't really count. How do I reverse this though? It's not like I was raised by wolves but sometimes trying to get the words from my brain to my mouth is like learning to speak. When people comment about quiet I am, they don't realize that the person they see is not the person I am inside.

No comments: